So it has been a hot minute (And more) since I have updated my blog post in awhile and to tell you  I have been dealing with a lot of emotional struggles lately. I have hit a weird serious lack of motivation.It sucks. THANKFULLY I have been meeting with a mental health counselor and guess what?

I have an actual mental condition called BURNOUT. Before you laugh and start rolling your eyes this has been a serious thing in my life. Hallmarks include extreme fatigue, it overwhelms cognitive and neurological functions, along with affecting neuroendocrine systems, loss of passion, intense cynicism. It is much like depression except worse because it asphyxiates your AMBITION.

 Drive is essential to getting things done, big or small. Without a reason, you won't do anything. It messes with your sense of worth. Reason?

I hardly go into detail but previous occupational stress and trauma. That's it. As a once enthusiastic software editor, digital media designer, I went to BYU Idaho after I decided I would go into health science and I saw myself as a future nurse. I had spent an amazing time in California after my mission and learned to surf, while making a whole bunch of unforgettable memories. I suddenly thought I could get into working for Amazon sales (which is WAY harder than you'd think people.) for myself after working for a friend, but that ended up not working out because I simply did not have the time or the resource to start. I learned a lot about the power in marketing and graphic design. Technology is everywhere and when you open your eyes to see how much of a difference you can make in the world by putting a product or service out there, you grow. 

Hard times suddenly happened and I found myself struggling as a new student at BYU Idaho. I was half assing EASY classes. I began dating and found myself caught inbetween two men and wondering who I should allow the chance to date me. Anyways, one was off in training for the coast guard I had met in Murrieta YSA ward and the other happened to be someone I met on campus in the BYU-I ROTC. (I get it, I like military guys) Anyway I allowed both relationships to thrive (they knew this) and declared myself single because I was unsure about entering in a relationship at that time. I tried to focus my thoughts on other things and got involved with activities in school. I liked the idea of getting married but I also wanted to figure out who I was. SO much of me had been lost in the giving my heart to my high school crush, that I started to see more clearly how I was trying to make a relationship happen that may not have been right. I learned that lesson and it cut deep, which gave me the feelings I needed. Painful experiences have shaped me. The relationship with Joseph ended and I started getting to know Kevin more. I wanted to marry him and prayed daily for strength to be strong with him being far away. But along with those new feelings came fear and anxiety. I wasn't ready to be a wife yet.  

I longed to throw myself into something that I could be proud of.

 College seemed like the way to do that and so I began my journey. I never particularly thought of myself as someone super studious, but my desire to learn was so high. I loved sciences, history, language, and most subjects I studied became a part of me. I took entry design classes, I learned more about photography. In the health spectrum I envisioned myself becoming a labour and delivery nurse because I have always had this obsession with birth, mams and helping babies (so much of why I can't wait to be a mother myself) I thought half heartedly maybe I'll keep studying and become an OB-GYN just so I could fulfill my life dream. Of course with every dream there are obstacles. My ADHD and anxiety got in the way, but I did my best to work around the pressure. I started this at Wallace State Community College before my mission and overall the experience was good. The more I learned, the more I reconsidered my choice of becoming a nurse. Could I really handle some of the things I would have to deal with?? Why was I so sensitive around blood more than I anticipated. I became mad that there might be something wrong with me. Why couldn't I handle it? I decided that I am who I am. I am me and I love being me. I paused my education and served 18 months for my church. I came back and applied and got accepted to the University.

   After working in caregiving/volunteering/medical environments it literally became too much for me to handle. Why?? I asked myself this everyday. There are so many doctors, nurses, medical professionals who deal with crisis on a daily basis and though they may have a hard time, they aren't mentally deranged from it. What in me is so broken that requires this fear to creep up inside of me and cause me to fear the strangest things. Driving in my  car, for example. The fragility of life became so clear to me and I began to wonder when my time would be up? What plans does God have in my life and would I be able to accept an outcome, any outcome? I still held onto my belief in Christ and my faith. If I am taken before the time I believe is my time, I've grown to know that God will provide for my happiness and well being. I longed for a husband and family more than anything. I prayed for that wish in my heart and prayed to the Lord to calm my fears. Being sealed in the temple is the ultimate goal. I know that faith can get me through anything, and it really has. After a lot of those hard experiences in Rexburg, I needed time to refocus and HEAL. I was trying to do too much, be too much, work too much and it took a toll on my mental health. I just needed to be. Me.

What about Mandt training and dealing with behavioral issues in a job I had caused me to have panic attacks myself while I was working for a company that supervised 24 disabled individuals, I asked myself this recently. Truth be told I hardly have talked about some of the very scary and hurtful experiences that occurred in that job because I was afraid talking about them would make me feel vulnerable. It was HARD. Any of my coworkers could tell you too!

You know, I am going to be vague here because I don't want to share confidential information for the previous employment positions, but after speaking with my therapist I really see why this has affected me so greatly. When you have someone try to launch themselves at you on the job, or end up locking yourself in a closet due to them screaming and throwing things with a behavior wildly out of control, or someone manipulative wanting more medications than they should have or someone obsessed with calling the ambulance everyday and you literally have to prevent them from having or going around asking for a phone to use, it kinda wears on you. I eventually left that job after the rendezvous with Mark and gave myself a fresh start. I left BYU Idaho and went straight down to Provo! What a fresh change.I got a job at Red Mountain Floral and being around bouquets and arrangements was healing for my soul.

I am super in Yoga now and that has been an amazing therapeutic relief for me. I continue to have small daily goals and even now when I have days of fear, and doubt, I think about God and how he has guided me this far. 

I am overcoming the #burnout and hope to start classes again soon. I do know God wants me to be a mother so my focus has shifted. I am searching for career that will help me be there for my baby. I'm so excited and can hardly wait, but I am getting my health great before preparing to conceive. I probably have asked my husband for a baby everyday, but it will come in God's timing. Hopefully next year!! I pray!!